As an astute reader pointed out on yesterday’s blog, the Z Zegna jacket resembled nothing so much as a lab coat. Well hold on to your Bunsen burners, dear readers, because it gets wild and woolly for designer menswear in Spring 2009. While the fashion world holds its collective breath for New York Fashion Week to kick off tomorrow morning, the men’s shows have already come and gone, providing a hint as to which colors and cuts will be big when warm weather returns.

But do men actually take their cues from the runway? Certainly many of the gals I know pore over fashion magazines and designer collections to gain inspiration for molding their own wardrobes, weather from Bergdorf Goodman or Goodwill. Most men, though, are probably barely aware that there is a men’s fashion week, let alone that certain trends emerge each season or that what they pick up at the mall might have been dictated by a high-end designer.

But it’s probably just as well with what passed for style a couple of weeks ago. Take for example this ensemble from Costume National, at right. Mesh shirt, skinny tie (or is that just the front placket of the shirt? I can’t tell…), shiny black pants, navy slip-on shoes…somebody stop me when this starts to make sense.

It reminds me a bit of Right Said Fred - you know, the guy who was “Too sexy for [his] shirt.” But not in a good way. In fact, I don’t know that there’s anything good about this outfit, although the cuffed sleeves are a nice homage to the 80s. And the skinny belt is cool. Next!

Kris Van Assche offered a similarly incomprehensible series of cropped pants (noooo!), tight tees, no tees in some cases, and curious combinations of shorts and blazers. Is this continuing infantilization of men’s fashion a misplaced response to years of babydoll dresses and mary jane shoes for women? I doubt it’s anything that interesting, but it surely isn’t very flattering.

The ensemble to the left, from Van Assche, look to be the unholy love child of Kevin Federline’s little brother and an extra from a Brian de Palma film. What’s up with the armbands? And while I do appreciate the touch of color the blue belt adds to the otherwise monotonous gray and white palette, it does seem to fit the model rather oddly, does it not?

I’m starting to feel sorry for men’s fashion for spring 2009. Where is the inspiration for the average guy? How is any person supposed to get their male better half to dress better if this what they’re given to support an argument in favor of stylish attire? The DCGF thinks we must turn to a tried and true stalwart of fine men’s fashion.

In addition to the usual three-piece suits in stripes and solids, Paul Smith offered a fine range of casual wear, including the blazer and jeans pairing at right. I like how he tucked in many of the ties, as if the wearer might be sitting down for a plate of ribs at a barbecue or some lobster on the beach.

The use of color was understated and kept mostly to accessories, like these fun green boat shoes. Most importantly, the fit was one of two ways: very slim or very baggy, both of which seem as if they could be flattering options for a guy who wishes to take a fashionable stance come spring. Extraneous decor was kept to a minimum, no surprise for Smith, but a welcome change from the unnecessary straps, zippers, and other ephemera found on so many other designers’ clothing right now.

What was less appealing were the models themselves. Painfully skinny with loads of guyliner and dishabille hair, they looked like they might have walked right off the set of Shaun of the Dead. I thought heroin chic was so late 90s, no?

There were so many dark, skinny suits on the men’s runways for spring that my eyes started to cross. Everyone looks so terribly bored and underfed and even mad and maybe just a bit ready to run home and throw on a pair of sweatpants. The boys in Bottega Veneta’s show provided a nice respite from that tedium, as did the guys at Giorgio Armani. I could picture Richard Gere or even Cary Grant in some of those suits and separates. You know, a real man! Ha.

But, as usual, John Galliano provided the most entertainment value per outfit (EVpO - it’s a new formula I’ve, um…formulated). There were roughly five parts to his show. Let’s call them 1) Neon Tribal Lords, 2) Laminated Logo Pirates, 3) Lace Bikers with Bags, 4) Macho Clowns in Underwear, and 5) Booted Scots from the Future.

Right.

Anyway, it’s really hard to pick just one look from this collection with which to impress upon you the scope of Galliano’s work for spring. So I randomly selected the one at left. Note the plaid handbag, the shredded cardigan, the yellow, er…hair? Oh, who am I kidding. Nobody actually wears the stuff from Galliano’s runway shows! That would be ridiculous. This is just all in good fun. I mean, look at the shoes of the people in the front row: sensible down the line. Nobody’s going to wear those flowered (?) pants, man or woman. But it’s fun to look at, you know?

And after show upon show of the same look, many of which were just this side of ridiculous, Galliano at least brings a smile to this fashionista’s face and shows that somebody out there still has a vision for what he wants to accomplish in a runway show…emphasis on the last word.

So sorry guys, it’s not looking great for spring 2009, at least where new ideas in men’s clothing are concerned. But take heart: at least you’ll never have to wear the outfit above!